Time is running out

I think I'm drowning, asphyxiated

It been two months and half since i started writing semi-regularely on this blog. Creativity is a fickle mistress but i can't really blame her, there is nothing to write about lately. I lead a normal life that bordering on boring. I feel lifeless half the time.

I do most of my writing at night, usually using my phone app out of laziness. There is a certain peacefulness that only comes with nighttime and freedom that can't be found during the day.

When i get to writing i try to twist things into a beautiful scene. I imagine that i'm talking to an imaginary audience as i write. Someone is telling me this is a good idea, other is telling i should have never thought of starting this blog. The hallway clock is ticking away, my tea had long gone cold beside me on the floor, and i think i killed my plant by over-watering it somehow.

I honestly don't know where i'm going with this; the post and life in general. It's back to school season, one of the things that i lost when i got done with school is the scheduling i had years since got used to.

At school, everything that was expected of me was clear, with deadlines and milestones to look forward. It starts in September and ends in July, with a summer vacation to enjoy free of worries. And most of all, i had clear metrics to measure my performance.

At university, things changed a bit, i had to take responsibility of my scheduling but things remained the same overall with a clear start and end to the year.

After that, things changed. There is no longer a beginning or an end to the year (except the calander one), and no clear scheduling. Goals and milestones too loose and hard to pin down, life starts to look like a long and unending race. You wake up the morning and work till the evening. Rinse and repeat.

In order to stop feeling like i'm floating adrift, i decided to mark my birthday as the day i leave the previous year behind and start anew.

It's September now, four months till 2024. Time is such a weird concept.

Sometimes on the specially bad days, i think about how i have done nothing meaningful. After all, i went to school because i had to, worked hard to graduate with good grades because i had to, then went to university because i was supposed to.

Those years of my life feel like a blur to me the more i think about them. It's as though I trudged through them lifelessly then suddenly i regained consciousness. Lost and feeling very much like i'm too late. Late in the sense that i feel like my window of achieving great things -whatever that might mean- is slowly getting smaller.

One day when i was scrolling twitter as to not stress about being too late for everything, i found Guillermo del Toro words for people in their 20s.

"You young people are in the exact age of desperation. I never felt more done and old than in my twenties. I'd say 'life has passed me and I did nothing.' But I'm here to tell you that's not true: you have a lot of fucking time." 

When i first read those words as a twenty-something i felt so much comfort. Here is someone -in the midst of being told by everyone that my twenties are the best years of my life and that i shouldn't waste them- telling me that twenties can be tiring and dreadful and there is infact alot more ahead of me. People acheive more as they grow old, settle more into themselves, more they ever did in their twenties.

There still is time. Deep breath everyone.

Sometimes i like to go back to Namjoons’ or RM of BTS words from his interview with Vogue Korea, "At some point, though, you kind of realize that the ironic shortcut to eternity is to be fully immersed in the present." And try to just do that. Take everyday as it is, i try to not think about the past nor the future.

Hunched over as i type this, i realize that i'm not alone with my struggle to stay afloat, everyone is. There's comfort in not being alone.

I hope it comforts you too.