The Desire To Be Loved
On how the idea of love lingers even when the chase ends
I was revisiting an old post of mine ( here it is) and decided to make this one. I’m thinking of maybe turning it into a series, where i explore themes of similar nature (the desire to ..) I’m not sure i would commit to the idea frequently, but i would love to keep this idea going.
Hello friends,
It's 20:05 as i write this. The sky outside is soft and dark, the kind of navy that swallows up the horizon. The air is still clinging to that coolness to remind me that winter is almost over. It’s quiet, except for the occasional clink of a spoon against a plate from a neighbor’s open window, and the hum of a passing car engine.
Evenings like these used to leave me a little more thoughtful than usal. Used to make me feel unbearably romantic. Like love would somehow show up in the quiet. There's something about stillness that makes longing louder.
I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately. Not the practical kind, settle-into-it kind. But the idea of it. The romance of romance, if you will. The kind of love that exists in novels and scenes from movies.
In theory, i love love. But in practice, i don't really know anymore.
I used to think I was just waiting. For love. For someone who’d understand me in that deep, quiet way. I held onto that hope for a long time. Stubbornly, even. I used to believe that love was the one thing that would make all the other noise in my life make sense.
But, i have never found that kind of love. Not even close.
I’ve dated, of course. Or tried to. It was nice, in the way a lukewarm cup of tea is nice. Comforting but not quite satisfying. Dating, for me, felt like performing a version of myself i'm not entirely sure exists. I want to connect deeply, but i worry that maybe i'm only made to be the version of me they imagine. Idolized, desired, but never truly seen.
It's strange, to want something so deeply while also being terrified of it. To crave that kind of gentleness that feels distant, while being too guarded for it to occur.
And then, it just became too tedious to try. Like a deep ache finally settling in your bones. Things shift when you get older.
These days, i find that i'm no longer looking for love. Not because i have stopped believing in it altogether; but because the older i get, the more i realize how exhausting the search can be.
After a while, the yearning changed shape. Now, i just want peace.
And yet, I still find comfort in the idea of love. I still believe it can be beautiful, even if I no longer chase it. These days, I think about companionship in quieter ways; folded laundry, shared silence. But I’m okay if it never arrives.
It's 23:17 now. The sky is completely dark. My room is only lit by the screen. I don't know when love will find me, or if it even will in this lifetime. But, i hope when it does, it will feel like the sky tonight: vast, quiet, and oddly comforting.
Before i leave for today, here are these movies that i loved revisiting this week:
- 5 Centimeters per Second.
- Your Name (Kimi no Na wa).
- Past Lives.
And with this, i hope you are doing well. I hope love finds you. But more importantly, i hope you find yourself resting comfortably in your own company.
As always, thank you for reading.
Until next time <3