On womenhood
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 and my struggles with femininity.
I have always struggled to feel settled into myself. And for the longest time i chalked it to my distace for some societal rules that i refused to adhere to. And while i had a shaky relationship with myself, it was the enactment of my gender that i struggled most with.
Because i grew up mostly surrounded with boys (from cousins to siblings), it felt like the gender i needed to perform to feel accepted was boyhood. And because no matter how hard i tried to be one of the boys, i just couldn't. Having no girls to relate to (most of my cousins that were girls were at least five years older than me), made my early years of girlhood feel alienating. Like i was operating limbs that weren't mine. Clumsy and lost.
And because i was taught like many of us implicitly or explicitly, that feminine was weak, irrelevant, i ended up rejecting my femininity. My struggle with my femininity manifested into my clothing and my behavior. Throughout my childhood i dressed like normally in shirts, pants, shorts, with the occasional skirts and dresses.
Then my features developed more, and suddenly, things that were no concern of mine -clothes, hair, how to behave a certain way- grew to matter. So, in realitation to having to follow a dress codes that for me seemed to suddenly manifest at the time, I took to wearing pants, showing more interest in hobbies that were traditionally meant for boys. For a while i enjoyed myself, but i still yearned for skirts and dresses, for pastels, silks and long dangling earrings. I felt feminine in both. But that too felt like a lie. A lie because this idea of femininity seemed to come from a place outside of myself, and never mine.
It was society who determines what's feminine and what's not. And i was only the vessel in which this idea of femininity seemed to be poured in.
"I don’t know if I’m going to get married, or if I’m going to have children. Or maybe I’ll die before I get to do any of that. Why do I have to deny myself something I want right now to prepare for a future that may or may not come?"
My mother worked at a bank, but she also worked at home. My father, you ask? Didn't lift a finger to help around.
I still remember my frustration with my mother when i asked her why i couldn't do certain things, why my brothers are not told to do as i was, why is my aunt telling me to dress more feminine. Of why i'm demanded to learn how to cook and clean while my brothers remained free to roam around, no worry about skills that they would need for their adult life. My mother always said; "that's how things are".
I just couldn't accept that "that's how things are". And that's how my problems with my mother started. We just couldn't see eye to eye. For her that's how married life works, for me that seemed like an unfair life to be leading. Safe to say, tension between us lasted till my late teens- early twenties.
My aunt once told me that i should get married early and have kids while i'm still young. That our purpose is to bring a child. Never mind getting educated or getting a job.
My aunt was the last of her sisters to get married, and was a late mother. I can't begin to imagine the pressure she must have endured from the family and society around. My mother had me a year into her marriage. She said it's because she wasn't getting any younger. My mother never said anything to me about marriage or anything of sort, but i can feel her hovering as i grew older.
What both women told me stayed with me ever since. I can't help but feel anxious every year after my birthday, anticipating the questions about marriage.
There is this passage that stuck with me when i was reading Kim Jiyoung, born 1982. Where Jiyoung and her husband discussed the possibility of having a child. Jiyoung explained her concerns about her health, job, career, future.
The husband told her: "Still think about what you will be gaining, not just what you will be giving up. Think how meaningful and moving it is to be a parent."
And Jiyoung after that said: "You said don’t just think about what I’ll be giving up. I’m putting my youth, health, job, colleagues, social networks, career plans, and future on the line. No wonder all I can think about are the things I’m giving up. But what about you? What do you lose by gaining a child?"
It seems as if a part of womenhood is to be expected to want to have a child, to be ready to give up your dreams and aspirations in order to rise the child. And as i read through the book i watched as Kim Jiyoung, ceased to exist as a woman. Her sense on identity chipped away as she became a mother. It's as if giving birth equals death of individuality.
It's been a long time since i dwelled on my gender and on how it impacted my life as a biological woman. My struggle wasn't that i longed for masculinity, but my aversion to performing my femininity under a lot of pre-determined set of expectations. And like Jiyoung and many other women around the world, i'm expected to accept them and follow them. To be more feminine, to learn how to take care of a home for the sake my future husband, to educate myself for the purpose of better marriage prospects, to pause everything in my life for a child. To cease being an individual after. And even if i try not to, i, like Jiyoung would end up driving myself up a wall.
I highly recommend reading Kim Jiyoung, born 1982. I found huge comfort in reading a book that denounces all the unfair pressure put on women.