On production

Just like any other task i started today, this one is half done and unsatisfying

Back in 2020, two (more or less) significant events happened: the pandemic and me graduating university. I remember submitting my dissertation mid September and feeling a mix of relief and happiness for the rest of the day.

I probably slept more in the following days than I did my entire life because by the end of the week I was suddenly restless with energy that comes with years long routine of keeping busy with school.

I had nothing productive to do, sure i did all the laundry and deep cleaned the house and ticked every task on my to-do list, yet i didn't feel productive at all and i kept thinking okay now what's next?

Sure the logical step to take next is to find work. I wasn't in a hurry to get a job yet (admittedly the pandemic was making finding a job all the more difficult) and all i wanted to do instead was to relax yet i found it hard to do so and i felt like i was running out of time all too soon.

Someone was getting hired somewhere, someone acheived a mile stone in their life while all i got was a piece of paper that meant nothing and everything at the same time, relaxing was not achievable and i sat around marinating in an incredible anixious energy and a looming feeling of being too late. I think spending more time than i should on social media fed more into that.

In a world where you are expected to always be on the move and doing things, there is so much conflict that comes with the idea of rest. So much so that the idea of doing nothing translates into the idea of being nothing.

This has so much to do with the hustle culture and capitalism in defining what productivity is and how much one must be doing in a day to be deemed productive and active.

It was kind of depressing to think that, and for a long time i struggled with the concept of staying still and doing nothing. Somedays may pass without me doing anything significant, but i try to find comfort in telling my self that at the end of the day that i have done so many little tasks -regardless of how productive they are- and thought so many random thoughts. Keeping a new routine seemed to help, i add or substract few things when necessary.

I hope everyone’s reading can find peace in resting and not feel like they are on an endless chase.