On Grief
if facing the truth is one of the hardest difficulties we face, then how about grief?
I wouldn't typically describe myself as nostalgic. Well, kinda, sorta. I don't often dwell on the past or become overly sentimental about it. "Remember when..". No, Susan, i don't, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't remind me. Sure, it might be all heart warming and shit, but i'd rather not.
However, recently, my father has been feeling rather nostalgic. He's been feeling a wistful affection for the memories of his father. He mentioned seeing an old photo reposted by my uncle on Facebook, featuring the three of them – my father, uncle, and my late grandfather – from 2018, which prompted him to reflect on my grandfather's life.
My grandfather lived througt some really challenging times; a liberation war where he fought against the french, followed by a civil war. But! He lived long enough to be able to take me to primary school and teach me how to skip rope. I miss him dearly.
While I may not be particularly nostalgic person, I am curious by nature. That conversation led me to revisit my long-abandoned facebook account. With a few clicks, I logged in and was bombarded with "On this day" notification. One reminder was a quote from a book by the Egyptian author Mahmoud Al-Akkad.
Here is a loose of translation of the original quote from Arabic:
"... Death itself poses no difficulty, if it were not that it changes what we are accustomed to. Parting with the dead would not makes us as sad if it were not the disruption of habbit or many habbits".
This quote resonated with me at the time, around my grandfather passing six years ago, back when i foolishly believed that i had a solid grasp on emotions, cues, and understanding reactions.
In hindsight, I realize I was naive. The more I thought I knew, the less I truly understood. Failing to account how complex and personal feelings are, my comprehension of emotions was a facade, a constructed narrative that crumbled upon closer inspection. It's unsettling to realize that my perceived comprehension was merely scratching the surface and serving to surpress any emotional experssion.
Sure, that method made sure all was good; i still did my chores, passed exams with flying colors (expect for one module but we don't talk about that), and helped with preparations for grandfather's funeral. I wasn't catatonic with grief; rather, i was numb to it all.
Once my duties were fulfilled, i couldn't cope at all. I could say that it felt like i was drowning in sorrow, struggling to find the surface, but that's not how it felt. It was rather anticlimatic if i'm being honest, a bit mandane really.
I recalled my grandfather's advice, and i felt like "Oh, maybe i'm not coping as well as i think", which definitely supports Al-Akkad claim- a notion that feels somewhat callous, to reduce losing a loved one to a mere change in habbits.
But, that's how memory works. It pulls emotions from the depth of our psyche, while also burying others. Grief is not a linear process, it tend to sneaks up on us at unexpected times, even in the most serene of moments, like being on a beautiful beach.
As i write these words, i'm gradually acknowledging the depths i have overlooked, and working on untangling all that i can, one step at time.
“When I was cheated by my uncle, I felt very strongly the unreliableness of men. I learned to judge others harshly, but not myself. I thought that, in the midst of a corrupt world, I had managed to remain virtuous. Because of K, however, my self-confidence was shattered. With a shock, I realized that I was no better than my uncle. I became as disgusted with myself as I had been with the rest of the world. Action of any kind became impossible for me.”
_Soseki Natsume, Kokoro.
Sôseki's novel "Kokoro" touches on psychological isolation and depression linked to historical context - the Meiji era-. With prose that gracefully dances between poetry and narration, it offers a compelling character study encompassing guilt, the search for human connection, and grief.
Sensei, in the beginning places unwavering trust in his uncle, idealizing him. However, when his uncle betrays this trust, deceiving him, Sensei's faith in humanity is shattered. The events involving his friend K further deepen his disillusionment, leading him to confront his own capacity for deception and temptation. This realization itself, that he could be the same as or even worse of what he believed to be the embodiment of evil completely paralyzed him and caused him grief for losing himself to fault, sin. Thus, while external forces such as the changing era contribute to his isolation, much of it stems from his inherent distrust of others and his own grief about what went down with K.
If you have a couple of afternoons to sit with a cup of tea and silence, please give Kokoro a chance to charm you.
That’s it for today,
until next time!
Please do what you can for Palestine. Keep talking about it, keep signing petitions, and donating when you can. This is a genocide, please don’t stay silent.
Grief is absolutely not linear. May Allah have mercy on your grandads soul 🤍