Notes from September

Journaling, The Gap in My Resume, Dear my friend

First Note: Journaling

I never understood the point of journaling. I understand documentation, and wanting to have your thoughts out of your system, or simply writing things down. But i can never maintain the habit nor know what to write everyday.

Why should i write down my thoughts if i can talk them out in my head? There is this voice in my head -not the one who tells me how much of a failure i'm, that one sounds like my father- the one who narrates every single thought in my head that helps me keep track (poorly) of things and solve things out. I’m content with just that.

Anyway, i have tried journaling before, back when i was twelve-ish years old. I found my mother reading them, so i took to writing in different languages, and she asked for the meaning. Then i decided that this journaling business is not for me, and stopped writing all together.

Ironically, here i'm, years later sharing what i write to strangers on the internet.

Second Note: The Gap in My Resume.

Dear hiring manager,

I can try to make sense of how the gap in my resume came to be.

I was seventeen when i chose to major in business. I hated that major. Yet, i graduated with a business degree simply for i didn't know what else to choose. I was seventeen, and i was supposed to be sure of what i want in life. Well, i'm sure i just want to live comfortably, but that's not very ambitious of me is it.

Please don't ask me where i see myself in five years. I don't. I can barely see five feet in front of me (i wear glasses). I'm too depressed to get out of bed most of the days. The economy is crushing, and the world is burning and i haven't seen much of it yet.

The gap. It's self discovery (doing freelance). It's survival in post pendamic world. Too much lives lost and too little time to be spending eight hours a day, five days a week of it working. There is a gap in my resume and there is also a gap in my memory, so i don't think i can explain it.

Best regards,

Third Note.

Dear my friend;

As always I miss you. I think that's the only constant here.

It's been what? Ten- Eleven years now since we met. Perhaps if I tried more, held on tighter, would you still be here. Would we still be friends? Would we still have each other? Wonder what would that be like.

Dear my friend,

How are you? Are you taking care of yourself? If you are wondering, I'm okay. Hope you are not feeling as lonely as i'm.

Dear my friend,

Do you remember our days together? We said that we would always have each other's back. And yet, now we walk different paths.

It was not the sudden loss of contact, no. It was the distance increasing between us every passing day, every ignored call, every unread message.

Is it You who changed? Or is it I who changed? We both have changed, i guess.

Dear my friend,

I hate you.

I miss you.

That never changes, I guess.

The you who I knew doesn't exist anymore, The me who you know doesn't exist anymore. I know for a fact that we changed simply not because of time.There is no meaning in holding on to a ghost of a person, so this is me saying goodbye.

Dear my friend,

As always and forever, I will miss you.

*** Hope you enjoy reading these notes. I have been having hard time writing lately, so i choose to write small chuncks of words at time. September wasn’t a kind visitor this year.

I watched Past Lives lately, i enjoyed the cinematography but i wished they showed us more of Nora’s character.