Notes from December
When it's time to let a friendship go
It's been a few months since I last wrote here. The last letter was written way back in August but posted in September. The last few months made no sense; September came by, October was awfully horrible, and November sped right by me. All of it felt as if i had blinked, and the last few months whirled me by. I have done nothing meaningful these past months, or the whole year actually, but we are going to move past that.
When I started this newsletter, i aimed to post at least a letter or two per month. Unfortunately, I failed to account the fact that i'm a mood writer, and sometimes some words are not worth being made public, after all, I write for myself. That's how i learn. Every other few days, i sat with myself and wrote, and wrote, and wrote. Then tossed them into the abyss.
Regardless of all of that, may the passage of time be kind to all of us.
My mom wants me to make new friends.
She had always been vocal about her dislike for a certain friend and her worry about my timid social life.
She voiced this right after i was done explaining that i haven't heard from a certain friend in close to a year and that if i don't initiate contact, all i get is radio silence. My mother thinks i'm lacking in the friendship department.
I'm a stereotypical introvert, and ever since the pandemic happened, i have become more inclined to just do things alone. Do i feel lonely at times? Sure. I suppose we all yearn for that companionship in our lives, whether it's platonic or romantic.
I've encountered many friends who entered my life like shooting stars before disappearing into the vastness of the universe. They taught me to cherish the beauty of impermanence. I've learned to appreciate their company for what it is: lighthearted and short-lived, after all, I was just as fleeting in their lives as they were in mine.
Yet, i've also encountered friendships that have endured the test of time. That's where i learned to grow with people and watch them grow into themselves, to reconnect with them after periods of time when life pulled us in different directions, and to appreciate them for who they are at the moment, not who they were in my memories of them. I always thank those friends for providing a sense of stability and continuity in my life. However, even these enduring friendships face the need to let go sometimes.
To circle back to my mom's remark, i have a sort of falling out with a friend that i have known for ten years, and i'm struggling to let go of that friendship. I've loved my friend, let's call her 'A', dearly, and as it seems, we are heading down completely different paths in our lives. It's just painful to let go, but I understand that it's necessary for both our growth. To make space for new connections and change, I have to let 'A' go.
I don't think letting go should be about others, it is also about releasing ourselves of expectations. In my case, for the last four years of our friendship, I was expected to initiate contact (calls, texts, hangouts), and while i enjoyed that, over time it became a burden and i became almost resentful of 'A' at this point. Talking about it with her led to no changes. Understanding that 'A' simply doesn't want this friendship has been a painful revelation but a liberating one nevertheless. Not every friend is meant to accompany us through every chapter, and that's perfectly acceptable.
As i write this in hopes of finally letting go for good, I've come to embrace the duality of holding on and letting go. Through this phase in my life, i've also discovered that the true essence of friendship lies not only in maintaining it but also in the grace in which we release those (and ourselves in the process) that no longer which to maintain the friendship, nor serve our journey.
To growth and renewal!
As the year draws to an end, i have found myself reflecting on a lot of things, but i have mainly noticed how my writing is improving bit by bit. It's nowhere near satisfying, but it's passable for a third language.
I have been reading a lot this year; I just finished Please Look After My Mother, and i have a lot of thoughts about it.
A note of appreciation
I’d like to say to everyone who reads my musings a sincere thank you. Thank you for being here and for reading these silly thoughts of mine and, frankly, my all-over-the-place ramblings.
That’s all for now. Take care of yourself and have a good day, wherever in the world you are!